I spent most of the day working on my resume, which in it of itself is sort of a gift to my dad anyway.
He was gone since yesterday on a fishing trip with his friends and just got back. My brother is in the kitchen attempting to bake a cake. Peanut is sitting on the window ledge, staring out onto the front lawn. My mom is across the street at my aunt's house.
Hmm. And to think, I was really excited about things just a week ago. Now reality is setting in at home. I'm a bit scared. Things are changing so fast and I feel overwhelmed, when really there isn't that much going on that I shouldn't be able to handle. I guess I miss being on vacation or have grown accustomed to having no schedule at all. Now I feel a bit lost.
Soon I'll be in Europe...two more weeks. At first I was really looking forward to this trip, but now I feel a bit unsure for some reason. I haven't figured it out yet. It's only 10 days, but whenever I am getting ready to leave the country I get this weird separation anxiety. I can't explain it; I guess it's just being homesick. Even though we've always traveled I still haven't gotten used to the idea of leaving home behind. I think it's some psychological thing I do to myself. I worry a lot about things at home and people I can't talk to when I'm away and Peanut and what if this happens, what if that. I hate that feeling of not knowing at all what's happening here at home for days and days, and then having to face it all when I come home. Does that make sense? I don't know. Sometimes I convince myself I have a bad feeling when all I'm doing is thinking too much.
Also I'm worried because if this trip is like my last trip to Russia, then oh do I have a lot of mental preparation that needs to be done. I'm too old to be traveling with my parents for 10 days straight. It's not safe, mentally. Back in Russia it was the adults, me, no tv, no radio, no internet, no computer, no nothing, not even a book (I think I tried reading Walden Pond or something, hah.). I don't know what I was thinking. I was unprepared and suffered the mental consequences. Maybe I still am suffering, mentally, from that trip. Sigh. I hope this one is that much better. I will definitely be writing more and reading more; I'm promising myself.
He's stirring the cake batter with chopsticks, and theres a big bottle of vanilla next to him. My dad's cutting his fingernails in the living room. I just cut mine, sitting in that exact same spot, using the exact same trashcan to catch all the clippings.
It's a lazy sunday. Peanut's tail is sweeping against the window screen. He sees someone coming...